Loss and Grief in Pregnancy

Today is the first blog I have written in a long time.  Life and work have kept me away from the keyboard but today is a day I want to honor for myself and so many of my friends.  Today's entry is dedicated to all families who have experienced the loss of a pregnancy.

How many children do you have?
For 3/4 of families this is an easy question.  Their children survived pregnancy and are thriving in life and will hopefully continue on to live productive and happy lives.  For 1/4 of families this is a much harder question to answer.  Some have experienced the loss of a pregnancy, some have experienced the death of their babe or child.  Upon reflection over the last month I am having difficulty deciding which is worse.  Currently, I feel they run in equal course.  
Our society has trained us to only mention the children people can see and touch and hear.  I am beginning to see that this is detrimental to everyone for so many reasons.  Death is a certainty.  Death of a child is horrible and traumatic.  Why are we asked to keep loss quiet?  Why are asked to not discuss death with our villages more openly?  What is it that has made the subject of loss so hard for humans to face?  Yes, it hurts.  Yes, it is uncomfortable.  Yes, people handle loss in so many different ways but I know too many who feel so incredibly isolated by their loss.  Some even feel shame.  Loss of a pregnancy is very rarely the fault of the family.  Nature is a cruel mistress at times.  

Well meaning advice can hurt.
It's for the best.  The child is in a better place.  You can always have another.  And on, and on it goes.  Please be mindful of words meant to be comforting.  Often those statements only make grief worse and leave the family feeling they cannot discuss their feelings of grief.  Acknowledge what they are feeling, sit and quietly listen to tears, anger, rage, disappointment, and the cornucopia of other emotions that come with loss.  Keep conversations open ended.  And know that sometimes a person just needs to sit in silence with another person.  

A request.
I would request that if you have suffered loss reach out and gather those to you that build you up and can make you whole again.  Let your community know.  It's okay.  Light returns, sometimes it just takes so much longer than we want it to take.  I request of the community and society that we don't make so little of pregnancy loss.  It hurts, deeply.  Find your compassion and empathy - pass it to the person who is saying, "Oh, it's no big deal.  It happens all the time."  Well it does happen all the time and it is a big deal.  But they don't know that.  We need to share that pregnancy loss is just as difficult as loss of a child.  Compassion, love, and a good ear for all parties can help heal the losses and rift of misunderstanding.  

I am grateful...
for my two beautiful children and the experience of two pregnancy losses in my life.  The great wheel of life has kept it's balance for me and shown me the greatest of joys and the deepest of sorrows.  I am fortunate and privileged to have the resources and community to hold me up in times of both occasion.  I wish this kind of generous support for all families in times of joy and times of loss.

Now go outside and enjoy the beautiful day!  
Humbly yours,
Adrienne

Disclaimer:  This is entirely opinion.